"Dad?"

A Default Parent Switcheroo

*If you prefer listening, here is a voiceover because -let’s face it- life is busy and our eyes are often needed elsewhere.

My partner, Mike, often jokes that he should take an entire day and simply tally the number of times our children say “Mom”. On countless occasions, when we are both present, it’s almost as if Dad is wearing a cloak of invisibility. “I’m here, too.”, “I can help.” and “Dad’s available.” All fall on deaf ears. Our kiddos are in their groove, their place of habit and embodying the default mode of asking “Mom”.

It’s not a “Mom” thing - it’s a default parent thing. Ages and stages of development contribute to which parent is the default - as do habits and history.

Default Parent Syndrome is a real thing. A default parent or its trendy cousin, the She-fault Parent is the parent who is first in line when it comes to childcare, home care, and family related tasks. This parent carries the bigger load of, well, parenting. The bias itself is likely the natural byproduct of our cultural history. If the Default Parent Syndrome is ignored or denied of its existence some pretty funky emotions are likely to set in.

To name a few -

• Feelings of guilt and anxiety if or when the default parent’s attention is on anything other than parenting or their household

• Struggles with perfectionism and never feeling worthy based on their daily contributions.

It would be like being a surgeon whose long hours are unnoticed and their often constant availability is minimized. That would likely create additional resentment they may feel towards the profession they have committed to as well as the people in their lives. Simply acknowledging and respecting the role matters. Being aware of some of the realities of around the clock parenting validates and supports that role. Being aware of how the other non-default parent may be experiencing family life matters too.

As challenging as the continuous requests and numerous bids for attention can feel, I know they take a different emotional toll on Mike. He, too, wants to be needed. He, too, wants to be helpful and the go-to parent in our home. He, too, wants recognition for ALL he does; for the work that occurs outside the day-to-day at home that is not as visible to our children.

Recently, I decided to pause and reflect on the dynamics within the walls of our home. When I do, not only am I not surprised that I’m the default parent, I can see it, and even experience it differently. The view from within our home is different than the view from within society - it’s almost like one of those funhouse mirrors that distorts what we know to be true.

Within our home, my role as a parent and household CEO is important, yet outside of our home, very little of what I do is visible. Inversely, Mike’s role of parent and provider isn’t recognized or appreciated in the same way that mine is in our home. Yet, in society, his role as a wage earner tends to come with more respect. They are both important, yet the visibility varies significantly and where visibility is highest is where recognition and respect tends to follow. Mike isn’t easily understood when he prioritizes parenting. There’s a confusion as to why he is doing all he does as a parent. It’s resisted because it’s not the norm, especially when there is a parent whose full time job is at home. There is a strength he has developed which is not acknowledged fully.

This got me thinking about how to make our mutual contributions more visible with our children and how it may impact their futures should they become parents.

Within our home, how could we create opportunities for more visibility? Outside of our home, how might we, as parents, advocate in a society that isn’t fully aware of the invisible work that happens within the home? Both deserve respect in both spaces and until the work is visible to all, it likely won’t.

This is perhaps even more powerful for parents who work both within and outside of the home - wearing all the hats. The pressure that our society places upon parents with young children is not realistic nor equal to the collective needs during this season of life. There is so much we could learn from other countries who have a longer term view of “success” and “priorities”. Perhaps by focusing on our own homes and advocating in small bits we can, in fact, create a better tomorrow with our children’s generation in mind.

Within our home, while our roles are different, they are equal. Not the keep score or “exact same” kind of equal. They are equal because our roles are not imposed upon one another and they evolve as our family does. This is what we chose when we sat down 4 years ago and made the decision together that I would apply for a new job as “Mom” and Mike would take on the role as our sole income earner. The constant push and pull that he feels to shift between provider role and parent role is one that I have never known and I cannot fully comprehend, as it’s something we used to share.

We knew this decision would come with sacrifices in obvious ways. While I won’t speak for Mike, I can share that, for myself, this means that I need to cook more and at first, that was certainly a sacrifice on everyone’s part. On a more serious note, I also mentally hold more of our household because that’s the job I applied for and that’s the job I still want. It is also true that I miss working outside of our home. I miss using my brain in ways that solve complexities and build a better tomorrow with other adults; I miss being part of something larger than our family unit. Yet, we’d make the same choice again and again. Because while I miss those things, I would miss this full time parenting gig and all that comes with this role even more. This is the dynamic we have chosen over and over again. This dynamic naturally lends itself to the numerous “Mom”s that echo through our home on an hourly basis.

This weekend, something beautiful happened.

We went camping.

And while that, in and of itself was a thing of beauty in terms of embracing nature on a deeper level, it was also an opportunity for patterns to be interrupted; for a reminder of the dynamics that exist within our home.

The visible roles we intentionally shifted in service of switching the dynamics of default parenting:

Typically, when we go on a family trip or adventure Mom is the planner, thinker, forecaster, list maker, gatherer, shopper, and packer. Dad is the supporter, the truster (a very difficult role indeed), the co-list executer and time keeper. We flipped them. I found it quite hard to let go of the roles I was accustomed to. On several occasions I found myself biting my tongue as the truster in this situation. I took on the role of following his lead with regard to what we needed and how we would prepare - let me tell you - this was HARD. The very thing I’ve daydreamed about was actually the most challenging thing about the role reversal.

And then…

I was sitting by the campfire and it suddenly dawned on me that the few times I had heard “Mom…” that word was followed by, “Oh, I mean, Dad…” as each would recalibrate and find who they were looking for.

Dynamics are a powerful player when it comes to defaulting to anything, especially to one parent when both are present. They had planned with Dad, packed with Dad and they were camping 24/7 with dad, while Mom and TJ were joining between naps and night sleep. The work was visible and the work was being done with Dad. This shift blossomed into a beautiful new dynamic. The smile on Mike’s face as he, too, experienced the unbalanced number of requests we are both capable of, was the the Father’s Day gift we all search for and can’t wrap up.